Christian Dating

Most Christians want to be married. And marriage is a wonderful thing. How are we supposed to go about making it happen? Christians have explored many options for this some being dating services, Christian dating services, and the like. Some folks just ask people out all the time until they find the "right person." Yet, this is not what God has called us to do. All of these actions are explicitly or implicitly a form of dating. Dating involves getting into relationships with others with no intent to marry. "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn" (1 Corinthians 7:8-9). We want to show that this is wrong and show how God really desires us to be in relationship with those of the opposite sex, especially if we are considering marriage. Outside of our parental relationships there are only three types of relationships, from God's perspective, we should have with the opposite sex: as siblings (physical or spiritual), as engaged, or as married. We first begin with Adam and Eve. This is the first couple. God shows us in the book of Genesis the plan he desired all Christians to follow if we are to have relationships his way.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him ... And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:18, 21-24)

The Lord decided when it was time for Adam to have a wife. How often do we as Christians mess up when we decide on our own when it is time for a relationship? Instead, for those of us who are unmarried God has called us to himself, as Paul said, "But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:32). Therefore, if we are not married we are supposed to be consumed with God. Dating is a process that disallows this to happen. We cannot be consumed with God if we, from month to month, week to week, are finding new people to get into relationships with. The other obvious issue with dating is the tradition of physical intimacy and evaluation. "For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption" (Galatians 6:8). Worldly tradition evaluates potential mates based on physical characteristics; like animals, we primp and compete for mates on the basis of how they look, who they appear to be, and how well they fit our criteria. Women are more and more, wearing less and less; and, as they say in the world, sex sells. "As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion" (Proverbs 11:22).

Moreover the LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet: Therefore the LORD will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will discover their secret parts. In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon, The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers, The bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings, The rings, and nose jewels, The changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins, The glasses, and the fine linen, and the hoods, and the vails. And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth; and burning instead of beauty. (Isaiah 3:16-24)

Simple men, attracted like flies to honey, invariably want to respond to the ever increasing, perceived, "sexual invitation" by touching the woman and bringing the dream of having her physically to reality. "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman [other than his wife]" (1 Corinthians 7:1). "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Hence, Job said "I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid" (Job 31:1)?

Men and women are forgetting that the physical body is decaying daily. What was once firm and shapely, is today, loose and flabby: "for the things which are seen are temporal" (2 Corinthians 4:18). Not only does the body change over time; but, physical attraction is both fickle and non-exclusive. How many people "head over heels in love" with one person can easily be strongly attracted to another person? If the relationship is based on quicksand, how long can it stand? Therefore, let not your adorning be the physical accoutrements of attraction of the world, "But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price" (1 Peter 3:4). Moreover, "Relationships based on need are always unstable, and can seldom stand transition into two free equals freely choosing each other. Possessiveness frequently masks itself as love."²⁵¹

In a similar manner, tradition advocates living together as a means to get to know a potential spouse better. Anyone who has "chambered" with their girlfriend or boyfriend and subsequently got married will tell you that their mate was not the same after marriage. In other words, living together did not ultimately help them to know their mate better. After all, living together, like dating, as no commitment attached to it. It simulates all the physical benefits of a marriage but without the commitment. Thus the perspective and inherent decision making of the each participant can truly only be short-term in nature. Why give away "the goods" of marriage without a covenant agreement? "Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying" (Romans 13:13). As such, let us not get ahead of God: his will is for virgins to either marry or remain as virgins. Those that marry either remained married or become a widow, due to the death of their husband, or become divorced (reasons expounded in the forthcoming pages). "A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife" (Leviticus 21:14). All those that do not follow this path are considered harlots—whores. Virgins become harlots through fornication, wives become harlots through fornication, widows become harlots through fornication, and divorcees become harlots through fornication.

Fornication is sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse: sexual intercourse outside of a marriage covenant. "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body" (1 Corinthians 6:18). As an aside, other sexual acts are lumped together as "uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence" (Colossians 3:5), and lasciviousness, which constitute "works of the flesh" (Galatians 5:19-21) and should be avoided: "let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints" (Ephesians 5:3). Fornication is taking the sexual rewards of marriage without the marriage. The problem with fornication is that sexual intercourse, not a marriage ceremony, creates (consummates) a marriage. "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife" (Exodus 22:16). While Joseph and Mary had a covenant—espousal—to be husband and wife, the marriage was not yet consummated before the conception of Jesus. "Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost" (Matthew 1:18). God considers fornication as two people entering into a marriage without a marriage covenant. Notice Jesus' response to the woman at the well who had dated five men: "Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly" (John 4:16-18).

Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:15-17)

Becoming one flesh, involves all parts of a person (body, soul and spirit). Sexual intercourse fuses the parts of one person with the other. Even though separated physically, the spirit of a person is still intertwined with the other person—residue of the spirit ("soul ties"). "Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously" (Malachi 2:14-16). Everyone tends to remember their first sexual partner; that is, their first spouse of their youth. Your first sexual partner should be your spouse chosen for you by God and not by trial and error—dating. Unfortunately, most people, even Christians, do not understand this fact about sexual intercourse. Invariably, they get a second sexual partner and so on, and so on, and thus become adulterers in the eyes of God. "But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul" (Proverbs 6:32). "Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness" (Proverbs 30:20). Therefore, "to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2), lest you forget God and are deceived by your sins. "For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me" (Romans 7:11).

God has a better plan for us. If it is his will for us to be married, he has someone for us and in his time he will show us who that person is. When we choose to go outside of him, we are headed for disaster. Why is this? Dating involves having mock marriages. In other words, we have imaginary marriages with different people where we treat them as if they belong to us; however, no commitment has been made. Thus when we break up with people we are basically practicing divorce. Getting into multiple relationships (trial and error) to determine who our mate is does not work. It deceives us because it causes us to compare people. When we finally get into a relationship that is right, it probably ends because we judge the person off of what someone else in the past did. This, however, produces dysfunctional relationships. We must remember, for every hurt we receive, we tend to protect that hurt by building walls and sometimes fortresses. If we get into a relationship where we are severely hurt, we carry that wound with us and force the person of the future relationship to overcome the wall built around that wound to finally get to us. This disables us from really getting to know one another the way God intended.

God would rather us begin with each other from ground zero. We do not need to have relationships with folks where walls need to be climbed or broken down. We do not need to be comparing our relationship with someone to someone else's relationship. We need a fresh start. That is what Adam and Eve had. That is what we are to have. Only when we are consumed with God's life, can we hear from him who he would have us to be with. The person may not be who we like. We may not even be attracted to them. We may not have even paid attention to the person. Nevertheless, the person is from God and that is all that matters. "We firmly believe in God's providence ... He can move heaven and earth to cause our prospective mate to cross our path."²⁵² If that person is from God, then, that is the person that is best suited for us. God never gives us his worst; he always gives us his best.

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